When we have the courage to turn the focus on ourselves we often recognize that we play a part in the dynamics of which we are most unhappy. Changing our part, rather than spending our energy trying to change the other person , has the possibility, but not promise, of our mate stepping up to the plate and us getting more of what we need. But whether he does or doesn’t it is still a win win – things either change for the better or we can make a decision knowing we have done our part. We know that we are no longer contributing to the dysfunction.
Who knows – if any one of us could develop a strong enough core maybe we would not even have to think about leaving when the going gets tough.
Perhaps divorce does not have to be the answer once we become solid enough within ourselves. Keeping our gaze on ourselves instead of on our mates can help us toward developing this solid core. And with our gaze turned inward maybe we will become more able to gaze more outwardly and lovingly toward our partner.
By Debbie Pincus, LMHC
Debbie is trained in Gestalt and Family Systems therapy. She is a parent and marriage coach and specializes in relationship counseling. She is the author of seven books on interpersonal relations as well as the writer of the CD series and book entitled, “Calm Parent, AM & PM.” She writes monthly online articles for Empowering Parents. Ms. Pincus facilitates parents and divorce groups and sees individuals and couples for therapy and parent/marriage coaching in Manhattan, Larchmont and Greenwich, CT.